Hallowe'en

As most of you know, tonight is Halloween. I spent my evening handing out candy (sugar-free, of course) and helping to clean up downed trees across New Jersey. Don't want any secret vampire hunters sharpening stakes out of grandma's poor dead Magnolia tree.
Here's something you may not know. Stakes made from most wood doesn't work. Don't ask me to say which ones actually cause more than a minor inconvenience--Do you have any idea how unpleasant it is to pull splinters out of your ribcage??--but even the useful trees have to be harvested and prepared a certain way. Sarah Michelle Gellar, aka Buffy from that TV show, was going through a minor spate of method acting back a couple of years ago. Let's just say that I got acquainted with a ginko, a few beech trees, a larchwood and several varieties of pine trees before that Buffy beech buzzed off. Seriously, Hollywood, I respect actors, but it's not acting if you're so in character you go around stabbing people with giant toothpicks. That's just effin' crazy.
Here's another fact you might not know about Halloween: It's not a de facto favorite holiday of mine. I know I know. I get to look pale and nobody comments on it that one day of the year, but honestly, I really like Thanksgiving. The blood people donate around then is absolutely rich and chock full of sweets and turkey and butter. All that tryptophan makes for a relaxing evening meal, let me tell you!
Until next time, folks!

My recent brush with fame...

Now, I'm not really one for the spotlight, unlike some *other* vampires and wannabes I could mention *cough*EdwardCullen*cough*... Whew. 'Scuse me. Must've had the taste of fauxpire caught in my throat for a moment.
Anyway... I'm not the type of guy to go out looking for publicity, especially not until recently, but part of my "coming out of the coffin" experience has been getting involved with the movie business. Contrary to some popular myths, we film and photograph just fine. I can't vouch for my own appearance, but I'll show up on any camera you care to point at me. I'm not in it for fame or money, or anything like that. It's really more like a public service announcement. Vampires are sprouting up faster than you can say Sookie Stackhouse and vampire sires these days just don't even bother with teaching them rules or even how to tie their own shoes (you'll notice a classier new vampire by his stylish slip-ons and the dumber new ones go for Velcro). Vampires are out there, and while most of them are upstanding undead citizens like me, working the graveyard shift (see what I did there?) in hospitals and McDonald's drive-thrus alike, like I said, the newbie vampires have no education and bad manners. If I let the world know what a decent vamp looks like, maybe you guys will avoid the attacking with stakes thing and just target the worst of the worst.

This is a dramatization of actual encounters I had with some seriously effed up clowns. Some of the pertinent details have been changed since there are more vampire clowns still out there, but I think it comes across as pretty true to life. I know there are probably a lot of humans who hate clowns. Let's admit it: they are beyond creepy. Ugh.
But the relationship clowns and vampires have is one of ancient grudges and antagonism, ever since the first mud- and chalk-daubed clown ancestor thought it'd be funny to throw a fire pie at a vampire, got bit for its trouble, and started the darkest, blackest, most nightmarish sect of vampirism ever: Vampire Clowns. They've had a lot of money funneling in from somewhere lately, so I expect vampire clowns will make a concerted effort to come back. I'd avoid going to the circus or any sort of local fairs for a while if I were you...

My first post, I guess

Work ID photo. Not that exciting.

So.. I'm Alphie. I've decided to come out of the coffin, so to speak. Yeah, I'm a Vampire. And no, I don't effing sparkle. Sigh....





 Guess I'll tell you a little bit about me to break the ice.

• Read a ton of Thoreau, Frost, Dickens and self-help books (yeah, it's kind of an addiction)
• Not really into modern fiction, except I like the classics.
• My hair is pretty long so I usually just wear it in a ponytail (gotta love those ouchless hair ties!)
• I wear an earring. Get over it.
• Green or independent, if I had to pick a party... Maybe a RED party someday?
• I kick a$$ but only if they're jerks like robbers or reality TV show people.
• HATE clowns and really HATE Vampire Clowns.
• My claim to fame: Yeah... I punched out Edward from Twilight. Dude was stalking me!
• You know those bumper stickers that say "Mean People Suck"? That was something I came up with a while ago. I don't get royalties or anything though.

Don't laugh, but I've got a day job slingin' blood at the Blood Depot. Technically, I'm a phlebotomist, but nobody can even pronounce it. Basically, I take blood. Seems like a weird thing for a vampire to do, but hey, I know my Type A's, Type B's and Type O's like nobody's business.One of the perks - free leftovers! :D

I met this amazing girl recently. Wow. Hello nurse! Literally!! I don't wanna say too much because who knows who reads these blog-things, but things might be getting serious.

Anyway, hi internet people. I'll post more soon!